1) I got stuck on a post that was too personal. I was considering posting some paintings I've done, but they were too much for this part of the internet. Eventually I will display that art, because it is powerful, but not here and not at this time. I vacillated on that for a week or so.
2) I was busy--busy as all get out. This last half of the month I've pulled off two birthday parties and a day trip to DC to test out accessibility on public transit. And that's in addition to the rest of the stuff I do most days. My November schedule is packed full of good, amazing things, but it is packed full, and I have been getting ready for that.
3) It was a fascinating experience blogging the first half of the month. Many people came through the blog and read it, but very few people passed on the link through facebook or twitter. I asked about that, and folks said it seemed too personal, and they didn't want to violate my privacy. Since this is a public blog, accessible to the world, and with my name firmly attached to it, I was surprised that anyone would think I thought this was private space. So I interpret this (and forgive me my presumption) as a sideways message that what I was sharing was too explicit, too difficult, too uncomfortable, and that folks felt like perhaps I should be more private. That indeed might not be the message people were trying to convey, but this is a difficult subject, and I feel shame in and around this topic easily. This gave me pause, and so I paused. One friend reached out twice to say that she noticed I had not been blogging (and thank you, dearest).
These things were enough to truncate my posts for this month. This won't be my last post on intimate violence--I have plenty to say and the fortitude to continue speaking. But first I have to get through November, which is already making me dizzy and it's only the 6th.
This seems to me one of the complexities of intimate violence--it is deeply intertwined with daily, mundane life. This is one of the reasons it is so difficult to leave situations where intimate violence is present--it is not as simple as walking away from the bad guy/gal. The perpetrator of intimate violence is often the father of one's children, the provider in the family, a person who loves deeply and passionately, the same person who cares for you in intimate, vital ways. Sometimes the perpetrator is yourself--how do you walk away from that? Intimate violence twists all up into our business so that it becomes lost in the mundane. It seems at times that our situations are typical, normal, usual, everyday, and therefore the way things are supposed to be. It is often only in moments of extreme distress that we notice our situations are sucking the life from us.
At any rate, be blessed. May you find light in whatever circumstances you are in. May we all, victims and perpetrators alike, find healing and a path toward wholeness. May we learn to make reparations where we have caused harm, and may we find strength and courage in the most difficult of circumstances.
A quick nod to Mick Bradley who twitters at @MickBradley and blogs at http://mickbradley.net/. His public words of encouragement were living water.