Important Disclaimer

Since I currently have several employers/supervisors/churches/etc., please know that none of the words on my blog represent them or their beliefs. This blog is my own creation.

It also does not represent my children's perspective, nor my mother's; they think I am funny, but misguided.
(Quick update: only my mother thinks I'm funny now.)

Friday, October 11, 2013

Queer Like Rain in the Desert

It's National Coming Out Day again, like it is every year on October 11, a day set aside for LGBTQ folks to "come out of the closet" and proudly shout our sexual orientation from the rooftops. "Here ye, here ye, I'm gay Gay GAY!" I made my own Coming Out post 3 years ago, which you can find here: InsideOuted. I had a lot of support, a few very challenging responses, and a lot of folks saying, "Wait, WHAT? How did this happen? You're switching teams?" So I wrote a little more in this post: Some Partial Thoughts. That was the beginning of this blog

It's an absurd ritual in a lot of ways. I mean, should I stand up in church and declare, "I LOVE WOMEN!!" Half the congregation is going to nod and say,
"Oh, me too." odd that my declaration incites surprise because of my biological sex and/or gender presentation. 

While I have this blog, and I am fairly open in my discussion of sexuality, I find that coming out is a constant process. There are still people who are surprised when I tell them I am queer, even if they've known me a while. There are still more people who get stuck on the word "queer": "Wait, did she say 'queer'? Is that a thing? Are we allowed to use that word? Does that mean ALL homosexuals like the word queer? Can I call you queer? Can I call you 'a queer'? Umm, what does queer mean?"

Odder still is that I have to come out again and again as someone who still loves men. I'll tell a friend I'm dating a man, and here's the response: "Wait. I thought you were done with men? You're dating a man? Doesn't that break the lesbian code? Are you straight again? Does he know you won't be monogamous?"

So then I am tempted to use the word "bisexual" because at least it is understood better than queer. But I don't recognize gender as a binary experience. Many of us identify more or less as man or woman, but many others do not acknowledge gender as a two-party system. There are gender-queer folks and those who refuse to claim a gender. And many more who may identify loosely with one gender or the other and yet feel a pull towards masculinity or femininity that does not jive with societal expectations. There are many of us whose gender identity and expression shifts depending on our partners' gender identity and expression. It's a big, complicated world out there, and gender is not as neat and simple as most people think.

Sometimes I am tempted to use the word "pansexual" because it denotes a sense of loving all people, regardless of gender/sex/expression. But nobody really knows this word, so they freak out. "Pansexual? Does that mean you love bread? Or pots? Or goat-men?" 

The reality is that however we identify, whatever categories we select as our pre-determined sub-sections of humanity with whom we might desire or fall in love with, utilizing those categories as a way of identifying ourselves is problematic. After all, I love/desire women, but certainly not all women. I love/desire men, but certainly not all men. The generality does not predict the particularity, which is why accusing bisexual people of being incapable of monogamy is a fallacy. If a person chooses not to commit to a monogamous relationship, that is sometimes called polyamory, and has nothing to do with an individual's sexual identity/expression.

Come out, come out, wherever you are! It's been my experience the last three years that while queer folks may be closeted, straight folks are walking around laced up in a straight-jacket, unable to imagine more for themselves or others than the narrow, prescribed heterosexual, cissexual norm they have been taught. 

Three years later, I wonder a lot about what "being out" even means for me, a pastor, mother, living with two teenage children and four cats. I have 27 part-time jobs that I'm juggling with my writing and volunteer work. I don't remember the last time I went on a date--and I mostly don't miss it. My life is incredibly full (and I don't mean to brag, but it's 10:25am and I am still in my Mickey Mouse flannel pajama pants). What does it matter if I'm out or in, and why do I bother pushing sexuality to the forefront of my declared identity?

Well, I don't really like living in a straight world. I'm very fond of twist and turns and counter traditions. Rebels make my heart sing, the under dog makes my day. And because sometimes, when I tell people I am queer, they get a pinched look about them and make gagging noises. One guy told me to quit ministry and come live with him and his wife because that would be more faithful than pastoring as a queer woman. I told him that I believed I am called by God to pastor as a queer woman. He crossed himself and looked ill. I revel a bit in these ridiculous conversations. 

There is a playfulness in queer community that is often missing in straight community. There is a willingness to examine assumptions, deconstruct, start over, find a new lens. There is incredible power in standing with friends and shouting, "YOU CAN'T PUT ME IN A BOX!"

I once had a cat that needed to go to the vet. I didn't have a proper carrier, so I put her in a file box and taped the lid shut. She proceeded to systematically shred the box on the way to the vet, starting with the holes on the side of the box and ripping her way with claws and teeth until she could fit her body out through the side of the box.

I hope for all of you who might be in a box or a closet or a straightjacket, that you will follow the example of Princess the Cat and shred the ties that bind you. For those of us who are Christian, we understand that Christ has already gone before us and loosed those bindings. But the queerness of Christ is a post for another day.

I'm Out!


  1. As someone whose sexuality regularly swings back and forth between bi and lesbian, but is married to someone who is at least nominally a woman, I think it's totally ok to identify as bi while not (a) being binarist or (b) being literally attracted to two and only two genders. "Bisexual" was a label originally created by people who weren't bisexual, after all, and simply adopted for ease of organizing. :) That said, if "queer" is a label that appeals more to you, be queer!

    1. Thank you for this.. I do think there are many bisexual folks who see nuance and complexity. Queer gets people to ask different questions, and I like that.

  2. I am wishing I could come out, but I cannot unless I am willing to lose my job.

    1. Friend, i am flamboyant where it is safe, and quieter where it isn't. No judgment!

  3. Thank you for continually educating me (and the world) in clever and beautiful ways.

  4. I am married, and only after getting married, did I begin to identify myself as "bi." I am in my mid-30s, and I still go through the angst that much younger queer folks go through, particularly on days like today, of National Coming Out Day. It's messy. Complicated. What does it matter and whose business is it that I am sexually attracted to men and women, even though I am married to a man in a monogamous relationship? Your courage is inspiring, as is the courage and strength of those who have already come out. It's a step I'm just not ready to take...yet.

    1. Dear Anonymous Family: the politics of outing ourselves comes from a place of extreme privilege. There are many places in the world, and even in the U.S. where being out is not an act of courage but an act of extreme foolishness that endangers other queer folk in addition to ourselves. Wherever you are, and whatever your situation is, I hope you have people to talk with. But I also hope you do not understand your silence as lack of courage. There are many complexities to this. My decision came with a great deal of cost, and I think the benefits have far outweighed those costs. But...that is a decision you make for yourself and in limited ways for our LGBTQ communities. I saw this tweet this morning and think it's pretty relevant here. Blesssings to you!


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