Important Disclaimer

Since I currently have several employers/supervisors/churches/etc., please know that none of the words on my blog represent them or their beliefs. This blog is my own creation.

It also does not represent my children's perspective, nor my mother's; they think I am funny, but misguided.
(Quick update: only my mother thinks I'm funny now.)

Saturday, April 26, 2014


“In my folly, before this time I often wondered why, by the great foreseeing wisdom of God, the onset of sin was not prevented: for then, I thought, all should have been well. This impulse [of thought] was much to be avoided, but nevertheless I mourned and sorrowed because of it, without reason and discretion...But Jesus, who in this vision informed me of all that is needed by me, answered with these words and said: ‘It was necessary that there should be sin; but all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.'...These words were said most tenderly, showing no manner of blame to me nor to any who shall be saved.” ~Julian of Norwich

Fits and starts, fits and starts, these days after Easter do not come together neatly.

First thing this morning I got a papercut on my right index finger from a postcard reminding me to eat healthy in order to prevent cancer, and could I please send $25 or $50 to the worthy cause who sent me the postcard.

The cats are eating the new food I got them. It is the second low-calorie chow I have tried for them, and they are eating it--in tiny, resentful bites, with baleful glares between each niblet. But they are
eating it. Presumably this will reduce the belly flapping going on around here, although I will have cheesecake for dessert myself tonight...

The computer is broken, the car is broken, the children are broken, and my favorite sundress may have too many raggedy holes to wear in public anymore. But a friend is sending me her extra toaster to replace the one that's giving me attitude, and another friend gave me her mom's 3rd extra vacuum, and presumably it works. I confess I haven't given the vacuum a whirl yet. I probably ought to do that.

And my brain! Oh my brain will not stop with the chasing down of half-finished conversations, regrets, and clarifications. Our thirst to be understood runs deep for some of us, doesn't it?

When my children were little, they filled up the entire house with their personalities. I would find myself some mornings staring at these two creatures, who suddenly seemed so impossibly large. They took up the whole room with their movement and noise and toys and food and mess. Their laughter would turn to shrieks and my nerves would get jangled and they just seemed so HUGE.

In the anxiety of the moment they seemed utterly uncontainable, and I (who am barely able to contain myself) would desperately cast about for some way to hold us in until I realized nothing could and that we had to just get OUT. OF. THE. HOUSE. 

And so we would. We would go outside where it was bigger, broader, more expansive. We went outside where it was too big for the children to expand to the limits, and suddenly I would see my children standing next to a two foot shrub, and I could see again that they were small, so small. Everything would right itself, and I could breathe again.

On the worst of our days, I have threatened to move us to a farm and put the children to work at milking cows and churning butter--and I meant it.

So today when my thoughts went spinning and would not be contained, I took off on my bike, down the road, across the highway, cruising down the canal tow path. I found ducks and geese and turtles. There were people out, but not too many. It was perfect. 

I spent too much money to fix the computer and left it there. I don't even like it when people borrow my computer to check their email, but these guys I had to give my password to. I hate just thinking about it. They have to wipe it clean to fix it, and I just know there are files I didn't get backed up. I won't figure out which ones until some last minute deadline and I need the file. I guess I don't have to worry about it until that deadline, since I'll never figure it out ahead of time.

So I went and got lemonade, which is one of life's purest pleasures. Good lemonade, I mean.

And then headed home, and the wind was blowing hard enough to knock the breath out of me, which is a nice change from people knocking the breath out of me, anyway.

I passed an older man fishing, and slowed down. "Heyyy Pops!" I said. "How's fishing?"

He chuckled and shook his head, because he's not that much older than me. "Heyyy Mami!" he said. "How's that bike?"

Oh, Spring! Why can't it always be Spring? I promise I would appreciate it properly...

I'm tired now--the last hill did me in. Jersey is always so flat until I get on a bicycle! I wish I could tell you my thoughts stopped spinning, but they are just spinning slower.

But all shall be well.

How do I know?
Well, some 14th century religious nut said so, and countless others have persistently, carelessly, determinedly, senselessly quoted her, including some jackass last week.

And because turtles. TURTLES!


and barn cats

and because what's the other option?
so all shall be well.

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